An Essay In Pictures: This is Why I'm Single

A few items you should know before I go down this path:

• Grammah is a wicked big deal to me yous guys.  This includes punctuation, correct tenses, run-on sentences and phonetic spellings.  If you can't do this, you can't date me. 
• Side note one of my favorite shows is New Girl.  In a recent episode a character Coach meets a girl on a pub crawl that he's totally smitten with (me too, she's from Being Human the American version!).  She won't give her number, but her email, and asks him to send her an email.  On the next episode he KILLS HIMSELF trying to be suave, flirty, etc. and then decides for honest simplicity and it works.  I seriously want to do this.
• Many people don't take online dating profiles seriously when creating, but I do because I'm not here to get laid, I'm here to find a partner.  I typically see through that pretty quickly.  Especially when trolling OK Cupid, where you can set your status as (paraphrased) "just looking for a one night stand" "in an open relationship" "dating but nothing serious"
• I'm a snarky lady.....and I judge people.  People watching is one of my favorite activities.  Not always to shit on people but to take note of fashion trends, relationships, and airs of confidence, etc. you know, how people hold themselves.  I also love bad fashion, and when I catch people committing social faux pas (picking their noses, readjusting their package).

Other things to keep in mind throughout this blog, may not have to do with these pics in this post:

1. I have a height thing,  I'm tall and have battled my weight my whole life.  I want a guy that can give a great all-encompassing hug; that won't happen under 5'10". 

2. I don't care what you do for work, as long as you like it, am happy, and can not freak out going out to eat once a week.  

3. Dark eyes, dark hair? Done. Facial hair? Forgettaboutit. but I am open minded on this one.  

4. I'm a secretly lazy chick.  Exercise is great and I've grown to love it but don't.....love it.  I do it to survive.  There may be posts on this to come.  Every male profile it seems loves hiking, camping, triathlons, their dog, and anything adventurous you can possibly think of.  Um, I wanna shop.  And eat good food and drink good wine.  

If you know these men, please don't be offended.  But if you know these men, GOOD LORD help them out.  Also, massive disclaimer here folks, I know people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but don't worry, my house is made of plexiglass.  We're good.

THESE ARE THEIR PRIMARY PROFILE PICTURES, YOU KNOW, TO ATTRACT SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX:

                                                      Gurl, he wants to know whuz up.

Um, is it not apparent I'm Preppy Wasper McWasperson? Let's be clear, race isn't an issue with me.  Here's why I laughed/freaked out when he wrote me:  LOOK at that mean face on his right pectoral!?!?! Can you imagine rolling over to that in the morning?  Ah-no. Those are intense arms btw, and I like arms.  Cute smile.

                                                          Nice fucking shell necklass.

How long after that picture did he vomit/gurgle down his shirt and pass out on his friend's lawn chair while his friend and his significant other made excuses for him "he's really such a sweet man though." "Michael's been my best friend since kindergarten and he's been through some tough times lately."

AAAHHHHHHHHH I'm afraid of my own shadow/picture!! Stay away you nasty reflection! (as I type this, I realize watching Mystery Science Theater 3,000 in HS and college has come in real handy.)

Ok. NO physical attraction, but I kinda wanted to talk to him to find out what game he played and how he did on Price is Right.  I wanna play plinko. Maybe that's his game.  PUN INTENDED!!! 

                                                  Um, are you TRYING to be Mr. Darcy?  (wait, I just noticed it looks       like I said yes to all these people, I did NOT.)

A few reasons I'm ok being single for now, even though there are clearly slim pickings here in Boston:

1. I have grown accustomed to sleeping diagonally across my bed.  Mind you I'm 5'11' so that's a lot of space....
2. Tonight I had a bottle of Rose, a bag (big bag) of Pirate's Booty and some rotisserie chicken for dinner.  And no one judged me. 
3. Whilst typing this blog, I've had the 80's music station on my cable tv.  And may or may not have stopped to dance to "Gloria", "If I could turn back time", and "Girls just wanna have fun".
4. No one near me (in my house) snores.  
5. I don't have to share my DVR.  All Bravo all the time, no judgement. 
6. Not having to wait for anyone to be done with the laundry (or shit, have to do someone's laundry for them). 

Intro to Sarah: What you see is what you get?

I've talked about starting a blog to share with all of my happily partnered friends....well...to give you an idea as to why I'm single.  I share crazy stories and y'all laugh.  I commiserate with other singles and we laugh together so we don't cry.  Here's my attempt at laughing the dating world away in a snarky, superficial, inappropriate, consolidated and thought-provoking way.  Enjoy.

Some Background on Me:

Most know all of this, because well, I'm an open book.  I over-share, don't hold back, and say it like it is.  It's a blessing and a curse.  And most of you have been around long enough to know my sordid dating (oohhh and lack there of!) past.  Hell, many of you have seen me cry over a man at some point in our friendship, or at least drunkenly say I'm over it until that last vodka soda when I erupt into tears.

• I find bullet points quite effective; get to the point! It's organized! 
• I come from a nurturing, supportive, crazy family where I am the center of my parent's world. Sorry brothers, but we all know this to be the case.  (read: princess)
• Recognition of my own independence began when I decided to go to college in South Carolina.  Best decision of my ENTIRE life. It's (my independence) grown exponentially since then.  This is why I have a tattoo of the state flag on my wrist. 
• I'm incredibly insecure and have been "faking it till I make it".  Now I think I deserve an oscar because I've been told I'm "too professional/cold" and "intimidating".  I've become that chick that men are afraid of cause they can't take care of me....if they only knew the truth! Please LORD take care of me, see second bullet point above. 
• I'm incredibly hypocritical.  See bullet above.
• "I don't need you're help!" "Wait, I really just want someone to do stuff for me all the time!"
• I love sports like crazy as well as fashion, shopping and reality tv. 
• Don't make me pick between a dive bar and a swanky martini bar, I love them both. 
• I've been known to go get my nails done, come home, wrap them in plastic wrap, don gardening gloves and weed and mulch my yard. 
• My wardrobe is decidedly PREPPY, and yet I yearn to dress....Anthropology-y. 
• I'm a little bit country, and a little bit rock and roll.  
• Over the past 5 years I've come to the conclusion that I don't want children of my own.  For real people.  I'm not just saying that cause I'm single.  TRUST in that it's a hard conversation to have in the dating world.  Posts to come on that!
• I'm a "best friend slut". I can't decide if I use the term too freely, or that I really do have many best friends.  My bff4eva charm neckless would be broken into about 10 pieces, and I wouldn't have it any other way.   

My Tragic Dating Life, in Bullet Point (!):

• My first rejection came in 4th grade when a kid named Richie said he was GOING to ask me to be his girlfriend but he decided my friend Melissa was better.  
• My first kiss was with a boy I liked SO. MUCH. who was dating one of my best friends at the time, and he and I totally had more in common and more fun than they did.  So when she broke up with him to go to Europe one summer I hit the jackpot.  It was glorious, we hung out constantly....until she returned and they got back together.  The climax of this drama took place backstage during a production of Music Man.   
• In HS every summer I got the amazing opportunity to summer on the cape with incredibly funny and diverse people in my neighborhood.  We were an inseparable gang, of which I always had a crush on one brother, while my best friend always dated the other brother.....until one summer my guy and my bestie started secretly dating so they didn't hurt my feelings?
• I was truly blessed to fall in love with my HS boyfriend.  We were together for about 5 years, and it's because of this I know what love looks like.  Yes, that was adolescent love, but the caring respect that I truly felt he had for me and I for him?  I am confident I at least know what love should look and feel like.  Some people have never had that.  Oh.  Tragedy.  On the 4th of July I chose to hang with him and his buddies instead of with family at the cape celebrating my grandfather's birthday, and he broke up with me ON. THE. WAY. TO. THE. PARTY.  Then made a pit stop to show me the new store he was going to manage, like I wanted to see how awesome he thought his life was going to be.  Then I swiftly figured out that he had been cheating on me with a friend of mine from high school all summer behind my back.  
• Right after college I lived in northern Virginia and dated my college friend's roommate in Baltimore.  It was great, it was fun, it was hot. I moved back to Boston, we never ended it, I drove back down right after to stay with him for the weekend, and in a room full of people, one of his friends talked about how cute he was with their friend so-and-so and how happy they were that they set him up and that they were dating.  RIGHT. HERE. sitting right next to you.  Ya know, the girl who slept in your bed last night?  Maybe wanted to at least clue me in to this news so I wouldn't feel like the world's biggest asshat being the last to know.  
• I had the "best friend/hook up/I'm in love with you/you are trying to break one night stand world records" thing off and on for about 7 years. 
• The ONE entered my life, we were inseparable, I had never felt so comfortable in my own skin around someone else....until after just shy of 2 years together I simply asked him if he was in love with me one night in bed and he answered "no." A few days later he said "It's time I start looking for a wife, and you're not it." Oh, BTW, 3 years later he's married.  

So.  Know that I have trust issues, but not in a creepy I'm gonna hack into your social media accounts type of way.  I keep it in check and am still surprisingly trusting.  EVERYONE has baggage, everyone has insecurities of some sort.  I can't wait to show y'all how bad men are at not keeping their issues in check.  

This blog will be a place for me to share my crazy dating stories, ponder relationships and the female/male psyche, and show people why I have become so picky in the men I date and why you should tell all your single girlfriends, daughters, sisters, nieces, coworkers and mothers (?) why they should be too.